They pop up at the most unexpected times, don't they? But then, if it happened at any other time, we'd be better able to deal with them. On Monday, I signed paperwork that takes me out of the world of hourly employee, and firmly into the world of salaried, lower-level management. It's a place that is both strange and comfortable to find myself. Comfortable, because I've been doing the job off and on for a year now, what with the bloke who had the position before being out for surgery, and then family emergencies. Strange, because I've always had something of an anti-authoritarian streak.

That last part isn't entirely true. I haven't always had it. I used to be a right little kiss-arse, but I got to about the age of thirteen, and decided I didn't like being like that. I wouldn't say I changed overnight, but I definitely started pushing boundaries with everyone except my parents. I'd already pushed those boundaries starting around four.

'Come on Richard, you should read this book.' 'Not gonna.'

'Richard, it's been two months since your last haircut. Don't you want to have it nice and short for the summer?' 'No.'

'Richard, you're here to play golf, not help those damned bugs hatch.' 'Don't like golf. They need my help.'

'Richard, you don't want to always do theatre, do you?' 'Yes.'

And so on. The ironic thing is, I now read avidly and intend to be a published author one day, I'm getting my head shaved on Saturday (but it's for a good cause), and the idea of golf appeals to me (as long as I can drink a six pack whilst playing). The theatre thing is the one bit I stuck by, and apparently that's working out too with this promotion.

But I'm not supposed to be talking about my rebellious streak. That's a story for another, possibly drunken, blog. I'm talking about the insecurities I felt today on my first 'proper' day on the job. See, while I was covering for Tenn, it was easy. I could always blame it on the other guy, or use the excuse that I'm just filling in. There was a safety net of sorts. Now, I have to make the call, and at present there's no one else running the department. Ten guys, eight of whom are older than me, all expecting me to make the right call, and make sure things get done, and that's a little intimidating. I'm having to make calls now that, two weeks ago, wouldn't have fazed me. Should I have done it that way? Did I say the right thing to that person? Could I have done that differently? I can't back out of it now, I can't give back the mantle to someone else, cos with a blasé 'Eh, fuck it, why not?' I signed that piece of paper and became what I've always mocked and pushed back against. . .management. So while it's comfortable, I'm still going to spend the next couple of months secretly doubting the decisions I make, being all insecure while putting on a brave face and acting confident.

Don't tell the guys that gave me the job.