Sitting in McCarren Airport again, waiting for a flight to take me up to Eugene, OR, and my new Nephew. That, and the grey hairs I may or may not have found recently seem to point to my being unable to deny getting older any more. We always figured Lorna would have kids first. When she was little, she had this doll that went practically everywhere with her, even though when she got it it was almost the same size as her. And as it got taken to place after place, it started to suffer. The head developed a tendency to fall off, which was hilarious when people actually mistook it for a baby. Anyway, Lorna was always fascinated with babies, but she always seemed shy around them. Me? I guess I didn't feel either way. Somewhere there was the knowledge that I was one once, but getting older took me further and further away from nappies and prams (except for a really bizarre party we had once. . .) until they seemed irrelevant. There just wan't any point or need of babies in my life.

Until recently, when all my friends have started sprogging. The trip up to Portland last year was to meet a bunch of them. This trip is to meet one that I'm actually related to, and I couldn't tell you the last time there was one of those. Apparently my world's going to change. Apparently I'm going to want kids of my own when I meet my Nephew, Aiden. Apparently all my vacation time is going to be taken up visiting him. This is what I've been told by a few people now, and while I'll never say no way, I still doubt it.

I'm not old enough for kids. I'm still to selfish. Whether I love the little bugger or not, my next vacation is going to be a trip back to Europe. They can come visit me in Vegas, but I really have no desire to fly out to North Carolina. And the only extent that I think my world's changing is that I've got one more birthday to remember, which I've never been good at. What's one more birthday to forget each year?

And the kids of my own? Jury's still out. Jury will probably still be out until I a) die alone, b) stand there holding my firstborn, c) get killed my one of my kids so they can get their inheritance. Until I reached about 24 I was vehemently against kids of my own. Then I mellowed, due to a couple of relationships that I realized 'yes, I think this woman would make an incredible mother.' It became about someone else rather that myself. A couple of them are proving that they are incredible mothers, but not to my kids, and there's one that I shudder I even thought it.

My sister's the sort of person who'll be a great mum. She always wanted children for their sake, not hers. She didn't need children to validate herself, or to confirm her and John's marriage. And that's why I'm no interested in having children at the moment. Because there's no need for them in my life, there's no desire for them in my life. And there's actually no way for them to be in my life, cos you kinda gotta shag for that to happen.

So for now, I'll settle with being an uncle. I'm going to be an awesome uncle. Maybe not a great brother, but why change things now? I'm going to spoil the kid, take him out for his first beer, tell him stories of travelling and cruise ships and vegas, and completely and utterly fill him young, impressionable mind with all sorts of things to get up to. . .

Shit, maybe I will be spending more vacation time visiting him. All that stuff takes face time.